Jess Wilkins talks to us about PRIDE
“PRIDE is simply saying that there are people that are different from us, this is what makes them different – we can accept them and we can be friends with them, and I think that’s nice.”
Find out more with Jess
In celebration of Pride Month and Bristol Pride this weekend, we sat down with Jess (she/her) from the Raleigh Room to talk about family identity. Jess brings a unique perspective to our team: she grew up navigating split households with her siblings, and exploring her own identity. We loved learning more about her and discovering how today, she uses that lived experience to build a warm, inclusive environment for our children.
Grab a cuppa and dive in!
Growing up “Different”
Hi Jess, can you tell me just a little bit about you?
I have been at BS3 Community Nurseries for one year. I work in the Raleigh Room as a SEND 1:1 practitioner and in Stackpool Room as an Early Years Practitioner. I’m passionate about supporting children who experience the world differently and finding ways to create truly inclusive safe spaces.
Having come from an alternative family setup myself, I understand what it can feel like to be a bit different. When I was young, my parents split up, so myself and sisters suddenly had two houses to live between. My dad and mum both remarried. At my dad’s, I had a new stepmum and two more (step) sisters. At my mum’s house I had another stepmum, so I grew up with two sets of parents, and both households have had different family dynamics.
“I feel like it’s less common to have the nuclear family dynamic now. Lots of parents and families are split, or have extended families, so it’s only a bonus that my family has grown.”
How did it feel growing up with this family set up?
I was in primary school when my mum and dad split. It wasn’t long after when both parents found their partners, so I was still young when I got to meet my stepmum and learn that my mum and another woman were in a relationship together. Me and my sisters all accepted it because our mum was happy again.
I understood it a lot quicker than some people might have. Because me and my sisters were all children, I suppose we came at it with an innocent mindset, and we saw it as, ‘my mum was happy with this person,’ whereas some family members saw it as a bit of a shock or weren’t as supportive at first.
“But the most important thing was that my mum and dad were happy, and it didn’t matter who they were with. “
It wasn’t until I was a teenager and started learning about sex and relationships, and becoming aware of myself and my own identity, that I fully comprehended the idea of different sexualities and identities.
Open Communication and The Power of a Safe Space
Do you feel that the openness of your family setup made it easier for you to explore your own identity?
Yes, I definitely felt most comfortable speaking to my sisters about things. But I also knew that my mum’s side of the family were supportive, so I understood that they would be a safe space and support me (being queer).
I know that they are really accepting, and they hold similar beliefs to me. I’ve expressed my identity and views, and we have really open conversations which is so important to creating a safe space to express yourself in.
How important is good communication in creating a safe space?
You always want to feel supported and accepted, so I think it’s important to express who you are and have these conversations.
“Something I’ve learned over the years is the power of surrounding yourself with people that support and accept you, people who cheer you on, and support what you’re passionate about and what you love doing.”
Were there any points where you realised that your family was different? Did it ever upset you?
Nothing really bothered me. The first step was navigating moving between two houses. Because I was still young and I was still 50/50 between the two houses, that was the first thing that I had to get used to. A lot of my friends still had parents that were together, so it wasn’t widely discussed at that age anyway.
When I would tell friends or talk to people about where I lived or who I lived with, there was some curiosity. They might ask questions, or ask how it was possible. But I never had any negativity – I certainly never experienced it first hand.
What was trickier to navigate was that there were some family members who took some time to adapt or accept. This, I guess, highlighted that people can have different opinions, but I never really questioned anything, because everyone was happy.
Do you think your openness allowed people around you to be curious and ask questions?
The generation I’ve grown up with are very open in expressing themselves, and we’re really privileged to be in the position we are now.
“There’s this general shift in the world that seems to be more accepting and has been as we’ve grown up.”
Young people have the outlet of social media, and they’re more expressive in the way they dress, their hair, their makeup, and their styles. I think that’s really important, that we feel that we can do that now. Whereas some of my personal experience has been that it’s generally people of an older age that have more opposing views.
Shifting Mindsets Through Conversation
How do you handle situations where people have opposing views or hostility?
Every queer person is different in their own experience, but I personally think I would rather educate someone who’s genuinely curious, and hopefully help shift their mindset on things. If someone’s genuinely willing to learn, then I’m willing to explain and talk about it.
It’s about having that back-and-forth, having conversations with people of other views, rather than just dismissing them because they’re not like you. I think some people are afraid of that – afraid of having those conversations – but I think that’s important. There’s always going to be people on opposing sides of an argument, or who have different experiences of the same thing, but it’s important to share those and try to understand other people’s lived experiences.
I’m not naïve. I know that the world is not an idyllic place where everyone shares the same views, but I still think it’s important to share your opinions and why you believe in certain things and it’s important to challenge injustice.
Bringing the Conversation into the Nursery
How can teachers and practitioners best support children? Did you have that support growing up?
Having open discussions with teachers is always helpful, and I think that’s where parent partnership comes into it. Thinking of my experiences as an educator especially, it’s so important to get to know families when the children are in our care.
Our children come from all different backgrounds and it’s important to know what families celebrate at home and how they celebrate so we can bring that into nursery. It’s being mindful that families are different. If it’s Father’s Day and a child doesn’t have a father, for example – we can celebrate other important adults in their lives (such as mums, grandparents, carers etc).
I think there could have been a bit more of that growing up, but things are becoming more inclusive now. I think nurseries are a great space to introduce these concepts, to include children, and celebrate our differences. But obviously there’s still a way to go in terms of the world and its current climate.
From a practitioner’s perspective, would you say it’s about being curious? How do you approach those conversations?
I think it’s important for us to know what family setups the children have, to be curious ourselves whilst sparking children’s interest by including them in these conversations. Talking about it with the children, setting up activities, and letting them express it in the ways that they can – whether it’s verbal or not – is important because then they themselves get to develop their own sense of identity and belonging.
Some children might like to express themselves in drawings, and they might draw their families. Other children, they might go up to the family tree we have made and say, “This is my family.” Some children have pets, and they talk about their pets in the same context that they do a brother or a sister.
” Every child views their family in different ways, so it’s important not to make assumptions”
I think that’s why activities like this are really important.
Not only are you assuring the child of their own self-identity, but you’re also showing other children that it’s okay that this child has a different setup to yours. Everyone’s different. Because children are still so young and have so much curiosity about the world around them, you can have discussions, and they will ask lots of questions, which is really nice, because they’re genuinely engaged in that topic. Children like to show off their families and talk about who they’re proud of and who they love. It’s really lovely.
Redefining “Pride” for the Early Years
Some people might argue that nursery-age children are too young for these conversations, but it really seems like the perfect time to introduce them. Obviously, you aren’t going into deep detail, but how do you approach themes like this practically?
I think that a lot of topics can be adapted in child-friendly ways. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re going to go into a lot of detail, or that the child’s going to be super knowledgeable about this specific topic. It’s about broadening their horizons.
“You’re making them aware that humans take part in celebrations about all sorts of things, they have different cultures, and within life there are so many different human connections that they will experience as they get older.”
It’s just about making them aware that within the world they live in, it’s not just them, it’s not just their family, there’s also a bigger world around them. I think it’s about using child-friendly language and making it align to their lived experience. I’m not going to discuss the Pride riots with them or the history of marginalization of the community, but instead, I’m going to flip it, talk about the positives and make it relevant to them. So, for example, I would look at the actual emotion of pride: it’s about what we’re proud of, what we’ve done that brings joy to our lives, who is around us that we love, and talking about different family setups.
“Every family’s different, but we love our families. We live in different places, we speak different languages, we have different set ups, but that’s who we love. That’s our community.”
Even things as simple as a flag can be a good topic for discussion. For example, “We have a festival called Pride. Our flag is the colour of a rainbow. What colours are in the rainbow?” Just a simple activity about colours. It’s linked to visuals that they might see around them. They might see lots of rainbow flags around Pride month and think, “But what are these?” These activities support awareness.
So you’re giving them some context and understanding?
I’m approaching it from a preschool perspective, but even for babies and toddlers, it’s a positive learning experience. You’re just simplifying things so they can relate. For example, “A flag… what is a flag? A flag blows in the wind.” It’s just adapting it to the child’s age, making it a learning opportunity, and encouraging positivity.
I think it’s really important that we develop children’s understanding of the world around them, especially for the preschoolers as they get ready for their transition to school. They’re soon going to be in bigger classrooms with children that they have never met before, and they’re going to have to make new friends.
One of the big topics that we’ve been discussing in the Raleigh Room, is friendships – saying that everyone is welcome in the Raleigh Room. We’ve been reading books about schools, books about what makes us unique, and our self-portraits and our family portraits have helped the children reaffirm their own self-identity, who they are, and who’s around them.
I think it’s important – in the same way that we celebrate the Black community and Black History Month, the Muslim community during Eid and Ramadan, and the Christian community at Christmas and Easter – we’re just celebrating a different type of community. It shouldn’t be this controversial, taboo topic.
“Pride is simply saying that there are people that are different from us, this is what makes them different – we can accept them and we can be friends with them, and I think that’s nice.”
When I share with the children about having a different family setup, and say, “I’ve got three mums and one dad,” they say, “What? No way!” They reply, “I only have one mum and one dad,” or “I only have one mum and one brother,” or whatever their family is. It opens this conversation, and everyone wants to then tell me about their families. All of the children get involved, and they all talk to each other – it’s a really nice experience.
